I think of myself as a small cog in the machine in the world of global health. But sometimes, especially when the complacency of being but a speck in the ocean settles in, the dire need of the work you do hits you and you are overwhelmed by how little, yet how much you can do.
I was tasked with estimating how much specific budget scenarios could impact Marie Stopes International’s (MSI) work in terms of our clients’ access to sexual and reproductive health services. MSI has a fascinating excel-based tool that can churn out various projections such as the number of women who will receive access to different modern methods of contraception, the number of unintended pregnancies averted, the number of maternal deaths averted and the direct healthcare costs saved, given particular levels of investments. Plugging in the various scenarios into the calculator told me how many more women could die, and how much more burden there could be on the public health system and suddenly, the momentousness of the work we do at MSI struck me, and it struck me hard.
In economics, there are models that can tell you how to best allocate goods in resource-constrained settings. In policy studies, you learn how the state and other actors can balance efficiency and equity. Despite having grown up in a developing country, having majors in both the above fields and having worked with economically-disadvantaged communities, nothing had prepared me for this reality check.
There were many scenarios to work out, and many results to be inferred. And it was a Friday evening. Which is when my supervisor said, “Go home. No woman is going to die because you didn’t finish this today”. “But women are dying every day anyway, and more women are going to die because of gaps in funding!” I said, still in a daze. We looked at each other somberly.
That weekend, four things happened – firstly, I completed the task at hand; secondly, my resolve towards global health strengthened. Third, I realized how self-care, which we had discussed at Training, was important. The work we do can be intellectually and emotionally stressful at times and it is crucial that although we may all be small pieces of the puzzle, we acknowledge that we are a piece nevertheless and we are here to stay, trying to make sense of the bigger picture and fit the best way we can to make our vision a reality. And in this struggle to serve, we need to remember to take care of ourselves physically and emotionally by taking time out to do the things we enjoy.
And so I switched off my laptop, switched on some music and my housemates and I had an impromptu dance party at home.