While reflecting on 2013 over the past couple weeks, I took some time to review my blog posts from my time last year as a GHC fellow in Rwanda. This is a post from about 8 months into my fellowship experience and right after my birthday (with some new alterations to post here). Looking at it now, I want to share with those considering applying for this fellowship. Hopefully it will inspire you to click submit.
(From March 2013) I’ve taken a couple weeks since my birthday to reflect on the challenges I’ve faced and progress I’ve made over the last year. Over a year ago, a friend of mine loaned me a book by Donald Miller – A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I was at a low point in my short life thus far – busy working retail to pay [some of] the bills while receiving rejection letters frequently from applications to numerous global health opportunities. I had my newly earned MPH in hand, but none would have me. As the rejections rolled in, I slowly lost sight of my passion and slumped into a cycle of eat-sleep-couch potato-sell clothes. A far cry from my high expectations out of graduate school, I gained weight, lost hope, distracted myself from my convictions of serving the poor by shopping on my lunch breaks (hmm…I know, right?), and slowly realized how much of my self identity was dependent on external factors.
When I started reading this book, I identified strongly with the author, who also had lost sight of his story. He asks hard questions from the beginning: “What’s your story? Are you hiding from it or living it? What if the story burning inside you, if lived, could dramatically influence the lives of others?” As I read, a small shudder rose inside of me. The author talked about taking the risk to live your story by first willingly participating in it, saying “we have to force ourselves to create these scenes. We have to get up off the couch and turn the television off…” and be open to new experiences. Pretty soon that feeling grew and revealed its true form: full blown fear. I put the book down and couldn’t make myself go back to it. I dismissed it with the thought that I couldn’t dramatically influence the lives of others – and I certainly couldn’t see myself creating a scene in which I would even get the opportunity to if I couldn’t even get a job in my field. These lies failed to overshadow the deep truth I knew inside me, that something was coming – an open door that I would have to go through to shake myself loose from the rut and dive into my story. It was too frightening to think about, so I locked it away.
I stumbled upon the GHC fellowship and was excited by the inspiration of others making a difference, and given a chance to grow as leaders in the field. I applied, knowing it was a great fit for me, but still excusing the act with the thought that just as every other fellowship and job application, this too would never amount to anything. But something was slightly different this time. I felt scared by the prospect of applying to this one. I felt invested in it too. I cared deeply about my answers to the application – much more than others I had previously written, and I realized I was taking this application much more seriously than others. The thought that I had dreamed of working in Africa for the past 10 years crossed my mind over and over again. Could this be that the time had finally come?
When I clicked the ‘submit application’ button, that fear briefly surfaced again, but I dismissed it and went on with my day. Soon I found myself in the midst of interviewing, as a semi-finalist, finalist, and finally was offered the fellowship. At each phase of the process in moving towards the opportunity of Rwanda, both confidence and surprise equally grew within me. They would consider me? I was good enough? Maybe I really could make a difference?
The moment I got the offer email, the fear I had pushed down for those many months reared its ugly head. Instead of celebrating, I frantically called my friend crying. All of the work paid off and my excitement for the adventure ahead was cast aside by the overwhelming fear of facing my unknown story. This was the chapter of my story I knew had been coming for years – the part where Tiffany moves to Africa. My friend calmed me down, and celebrated for me on the other end of the phone. “Don’t you realize this is what you’ve been dreaming of and working towards? You’re finally here!” she said. The right door had finally opened, and yet I found myself at a loss for how to proceed.
It was in that instant that I realized I had a choice – one that I had been making all along without ever noticing it. I could turn the other direction, hide from my fear and sabotage myself from living out my story. Or I could face it head on, trust that I wouldn’t be abandoned in the darkness of the unknown and welcome the opportunity. I went back to Miller’s book that day, and this time I actually opened it again. I reread and noticed an important point I dismissed before. He says “fear isn’t only a guide to keep us safe; it’s also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.” I was afraid – but the reality was that I was bored, much more so than I was afraid. Once I was able to accept this truth, I knew there was no going back.
The power of a story – of my story, the story of global health equity, the story of branching out my experience to overcome my singular stories of others and of Africa- has been an ever continuing theme in my life since then.
I now am the willing participant instead of the victim in my ever growing story. Each day I conquer the fear of the unknown, the uncomfortable, and the inconvenient and eagerly shape my story as a leader in global health equity. Even more so, now I actively plan it, and feel equipped by the knowledge and skills gained in this fellowship experience to do so. I don’t regret a day of the fellowship, and neither will you. My year as a GHC fellow was much more than just a professional success for me. The fellowship also focused on interior formation and intellectual exploration, which equally prepared me to successfully contribute to the global health equity movement. Miller reiterates that “good stories don’t happen by accident… They are planned.” Though I know I can’t plan everything and there is a lot of unpredictability I can’t control, I am laying plans with an open heart and a willingness to serve.
So click submit. For a new adventure and a great opportunity for growth. You may even pick up some amazing friends along the way. I know I did.
